White Men Can’t Jump is an undeniable classic. We all love it, and I’m sure we can agree it’s one of the greatest hoops movies ever. But man, I have some questions. We gotta have a discussion about the Stucci Brothers. They were the most non-threatening, bumbling, low-rent, amateur criminals in movie history. That had to be their first week on the job. A lot of holes in the Stucci’s game, and Billy and Gloria should be ashamed of themselves for letting them be a thorn in their side for that long.
Let’s start at the beginning. They were chasing an $8,000.00 debt like it was the take from the Lufthansa heist. Now, I’m not going to pretend like I’m the leading authority on mob activity, but if the success of your operation hinges on collecting eight large from fixing a random JUCO basketball game, then I’m going to assume you’re not exactly moving like John Gotti. Also, I’m going to go out on a limb and say the great point-shaving scandal of small-time Louisiana college hoops in the early 90s wasn’t the most lucrative endeavor to begin with. The Stuccis were risking a lot of exposure for such measly returns. And they had to be low on the totem pole to be going on a dummy mission like that themselves. They tracked Billy to LA. That’s 2,000 miles. They spent more on gas, food, and lodging than what the debt was. They weren’t too smart, either. They could have taken Billy’s car after he abandoned it when they first caught up to him at the motel. Then, they ended up settling for only half the money he owed them. Gloria gave him $2,000.00 from her Jeopardy winnings. He doubled it by beating the King and the Duck. Where did the other $4,000.00 come from? I know Sidney didn’t kick in. They went through all that just for half the money for what looked like a make-or-break situation for their organization. Then they had the nerve to say, “The Stucci brothers are back!!!” Back from what? The Stuccis weren’t making noise. I’d bet the $8,000.00 they scoured the Earth for that New Orleans PD didn’t have a task force dedicated to shutting them down. They weren’t on any government agency’s radar. They didn’t even have a crew. Boys were just out there winging it. Giving big Sticky Bandits vibes.
Here’s my biggest problem with them. They were the most unintimidating gangsters in the history of organized crime. First of all, nobody dressed like Kid Ray is putting any fear in my heart. Then, we never saw them get physical at any point. I really think Billy Hoyle was just a chump. I mean, yeah, they had guns. I’ll give him that. But the most violence we ever saw them inflict was punching him in the face one time. Come on, man. I would have taken my chances. And Gloria had a gun, too. They could have gotten the drop on the Stuccis. I definitely would have tried them after they showed their hand with that weak ass scare tactic. They showed him some damn Polaroids of people that looked like they died in their sleep. Seriously man? I’m supposed to be moved by some staged photos of folks you allegedly killed that don’t have a scratch on them. “LOOK AT THE PICTURES BILLY!!!! LOOK AT ALL OF OUR VICTIMS THAT DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES!!!!!” That wasn’t a well-thought-out plan at all. Aside from the pictures not being intimidating in the least bit, they’re walking around with evidence of crimes they’ve committed. I’m confused about how they ran this hustle for that long. So nobody spilled the beans that the Stuccis wasn’t really about that action? How were they getting people to stay quiet? They couldn’t have been paying them off because, ya know, $8,000.00. Folks just walking around, enjoying life after taking those pictures? You run into Jeremy at the grocery store after the Stuccis supposedly disposed of him, and shit gets real awkward. Yeah man, if I had to guess, I’d say the Stuccis were found out rather quickly and had to get day jobs.
These dudes are an embarrassment to organized crime. Michael Franzese is probably in front of a camera right now talking about how the Stuccis would never have been allowed in any of the families. Would be interesting to see where they ended up almost 33 years later. Their “frighten you with still photos” scam would probably be more effective with A.I. At least they could halfway convince people they were capable of savagery. Whoever they were working for must have been just as stupid and incompetent as they were for having them on the payroll. They’re lucky Sidney and Billy were just focused on hustling basketball games. If they would have run up on Raymond, they’d have ended up on some Polaroids.